


I Love You, I Love You

by MXRI



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressing, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4300278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MXRI/pseuds/MXRI
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were sure that – even if you were miles, continents, <i>worlds</i> apart – he could still clearly hear you screaming at the top of your lungs: "I love you, I love you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Smells Like Teen Spirit

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

You and a few of your friends were attending to a mutual friend's birthday party; it was no regular party. You could say it was very similar to a wedding's reception – on an event venue. The place was adourned with string lights and a couple of flower vases, mostly. Each table had a different set of candles, the plates and silverware strategically placed for the dinner to be served afterwards.

You had grown tired of contemplating the place – as beautiful as it was. Blame's on your mother for insisting on dropping you extra early; you were by yourself – your friends had not arrived just yet. You would be found checking your phone ever so often and boredly tapping your nails against the table for a couple of minutes straight.

You weren't exactly alone, really. There was your birthday-friend – busy taking pictures – and her relatives. Not like you knew anyone of them, honestly. You felt as though the waiter pitied you, every few minutes stopping by to ask if you'd want something to drink.

Just then, a familiar blonde head appeared.

You couldn't tell if it were a good or a bad sign. a) You wouldn't be alone anymore! b) You had a major crush on him. c) You had the fear of embarassing yourself in front of him. Scared of saying something stupid. d) Okay, maybe you  _really_  liked him. . e) But you had company now– I think you get it, my dear reader. You were anxious, that's all.

You jumped from your seat and carefully – even as a failure in walking heels, you wore a short one – made you way towards him.

Allow me to say men in tuxedo are heavenly creatures. Have I mentioned Tsukishima was wearing a tuxedo?

He then suddenly stopped on his tracks. You could've sworn you heard the lowest of gasps; for that he was staring you down. Well, he had never seen you that dressed up before. A fancy hairstyle, make-up and a gorgeous [color] strapless dress. He never intended to spit it out but, as he approached you, he unconsciously mumbled out.

 _"You_   _look_   _beautiful."_

Unbeknownst to Tsukishima, you clearly heard him. Feeling your cheeks flush, you innocently added a comment of your own.

"You look very handsome yourself, Kei." You quickly turned your gaze to the table, in an attempt to avoid eye contact and furthermore humiliation. "Will you join me on my table? No one's here just yet. ."

He nodded with a – almost unnoticeable – gentle smile on his face, following you suit.

* * *

You had an astoundingly calm conversation, surprisingly enough. At school you were used to bicker at each other ever so often, throwing snarky comments and, perhaps, witty remarks here and there.

But when your friends arrived, the calm time was long gone. His sarcastic side came out and you couldn't help but feel. . lightly hurt. You tried paying him no mind, really, but to no avail. You felt the need to retort a furious comment of your own. .

Later on, the celebrations were made and dinner had been served. You accompanied your friends to the dancefloor, only to quickly stop by the table to place your phone on your purse – that was the lamest of excuses, mind you.

Even Yamaguchi had joined Yachi – you adored how timidly they danced infront of each other. And yet, Kei could still be found on the table, all by himself. . not like he wouldn't mind some company. .

"I take it dancing isn't your favorite hobby?"

"Do you even dance?"

"Sir, that's none of your business – in fact, I don't." You shortly snorted. "Not that it really matters, though. I don't think I'm missing out on too much. . other than Yama and Yachi being two cuties, that is. Don't you think?"

"I don't really care."

You gasped and stared at him in disbelief.

"But he's your best friend! Shouldn't you atleast be happy for him? Unless. ." Your face was slowly inching closer to him, your finger pointed right at his face. "You like Yachi!"

Ok, maybe you were wrong. . The menacing glare of his sent chills down you spine. You couldn't help but flinch and keep the safe distance from before.

"I take it that's a no?"

He stood up, hands in his pockets, and made his way towards the bar. You wouldn't really mind staying by yourself but your gut told you to go after him.

 _Why_   _not?_

"What are you going to order?"

"I'd like to have a strawberry cocktail, please." Tsukishima replied to the barman instead, sideglancing at you.

"Aren't we all underage? I don't think you s–"

"I believe it ruins the flavor, so it's non-alcoholic." He confusedly stared at you, as if you were the stupidest of beings in the world. "Not like it would matter. . ? As if people our age don't do anything worse than underage drinking."

You knew he was right – which was a constant deal – but still. . You shrugged, a little uneasy yourself, heading back to your seat. Tsukishima followed along, his drink in hands.

You sat in silence, often checking your phone for messages that would never come; Kei seemed to enjoy his drink.

"May I have a sip?"

He gave you most judgemental look you had ever seen. You pulled your outstretched hand back, fearing a menacing disapproval would come. . You could always order the drink for yourself, actually.

Wait–!

Tsukishima had  _purposely_  drank what was left of the cocktail, all because you wanted a taste–

"You disgust me."

And with that – plus a furious swaying of hair locks – you stood up, palms slamming against the table. "I'll go get it myself, you jerk."

"Wait," he took hold of your wrist.

If looks could kill, you had made sure to burn his soul three times that day.

_"What?"_

With the ugliest of smirks he pointed at the corner of his mouth; it was actually stained with the remnants of his drink.

Your lips formed into a straight line, your hands formed into fists. You liked to think you'd managed to pull off a deadly glare. "Have you no fear of death, Tsukishima?"

Still with that smug look plastered across his face, he  _innocently_  shrugged.

"As I said before,  _you_   _disgust_   _me_. Have a fucktastic night."

You should've run, really. You should've never started speaking to him, on the first place.

He had  _forced_  you into him. Well, not exactly forced considering he was quite gentle and not like you didn't want it. . You hated to admit you were weak. Giving in to the  _disgusting_  taste in his mouth.

Would it be considered harassment? I mean, it didn't have any consent. . now that you think about it, kisses  _kind_   _of_  don't need consent? Depends on the context, though.

You liked him, you really did. So was it wrong? Perhaps not, but you didn't want to give him the taste.

You forcefully pushed him away, furiously pulling your hair back in anger.

"Listen here, you little fuck." He didn't seem fazed. I'd say quite content, actually. "Have you no shame at all?! Thinking that just because you're three meters tall you can do whatever you want. ."

"Was it your  _first?"_

That was it.

He had pulled the last string of what remained of your self-control.

You grabbed onto his tie, pulling him closer to your face. "I'm so tired of your bullshit."

 _Please,_   _someone_   _offer_   _my_   _body_   _to_   _Satan_ _._   _I've_   _made_   _it_   _to_   _the_   _lowest_   _of_   _lows._

You had kissed him. Yup. Look at you go, reader. Taking iniciative this time and kissing a 6'2" guy. Good job.

But I mean– his mouth tasted like strawberry!


	2. It Comes Back To You

It's funny how quickly the years go by. It feels like yesterday when you kissed Tsukishima on your friend's party, ages ago. Know what's even funnier? Seven years have passed and you're now engaged. You were soon to become Tsukishima [Y/N]. . who would've thought.

But what exactly happened after that "strawberry incident"? See, both of you had started making out – not like you were proud of it or anything! Honestly, it must've been horrible for people passing by two teenagers sucking eachother's face – it sounds disgusting to yours trully, even.

The following day you refused to speak to Kei – you wouldn't even look at him! Until you came into terms with yourself and with your head held high, you shouted.

 _"What_   _are_   _we!?"_

You had the longest of conversations, really, which ended up with both of you (stubbornly) admitting you had feelings for each other. You started "dating" that day – truth is, you two simply wanted to see if a relationship would work out.

Weeks went by and perhaps this "like" turned into passion. Months went on and well, the most mischievous of feelings came to you:  _love._  Truthfully, you could refer to a crush as a "lover" – just,  _what is the concept of loving someone?_

You couldn't explain but deep inside you  _knew_  it was love.

The thought of  _the_  Tsukishima Kei loving someone – loving  _you_  of all people! – brought joyous tears to your eyes. Honestly, you never expected a high school relationship likes yours to last more than a month; it really did. Then months turned into years. And there you were.

You had been living under the same roof for the past years; living on a small apartment, but big enough to make you feel comfortable. You were saving money for the wedding and, perhaps, to buy your own plot of land and build the house of your dreams. And why not leave Japan? That matter was for another day, though.

Here's a peculiar question: was Tsukki as sarcastic as he was on his adolescence? Naturally, as time went on, he grew more mature. He can be sarcastic at times – for that is part of his personality – but he's more to the. .  _clingy_  side.

Now that you think about, there's a particular scene. .

It was natural of you to visit his volleyball matches, obviously. Until one specific day, back when you had completed seven months together, you insisted for Kiyoko to borrow her manager clothes so you could sneak in and watch the match, not on the bleachers, but firsthand and sitting besides Ukai and Takeda-sensei.

When he blocked a ball from Ushijima and earned a point, thus ending the second set, well, you felt yourself going mute. Your throat would be sore afterwards, true, but you couldn't help but cheer louder than probably all the spectators on the bleachers. He personally had told you his backstory and  _misunderstading_  with his brother and volleyball. . Oh, you know. But you knew it. . the flame in his eyes. . _that_   _was_   _his_   _moment._

Your chest felt heavy; you could no longer breath properly. Tears freely ran down your face. Words could not describe how  _happy_  you were; it was a great achievement for him. A huge step taken on the process of his. .  _recovery_ _,_  perhaps? He's been through a traumatic experience, you could say, and seeing him note his brother was happy as well. . that brought even more tears to your eyes.

The rest of the team congratulated him; you clearly, in between tears, saw him smugly look down at Hinata and saying it was just a  _"_ _mere_   _point_ _._ "

And as they made their way to Coach Ukai, wiping a few sneaky tears, you stumbled across Yamaguchi. You gently nudged him on the shoulder and turned to look at Tsukishima.

He was  _radiant._

You furiously bit you bottom lip, in an attempt to stop the hiccups. Your legs felt wobbly but you didn't really mind. So you ran up to him.

You tightly snaked your arms around his neck, slowly feeling your feet no longer could reach the ground – he was lifting you up.

The sobbing then continued, more furious fat tears of joy leaving the corner of your eyes. Your petite frame trembled in his embrace and you couldn't help but shout, as if the world no longer mattered nor existed to you.

 _"I_   _love_   _you_ _,_   _I_   _love_   _you!"_

An infinite amount of kisses were placed on his face – from the cheek to the corner of his mouth, his lips, you name it – and he, with the slightest hint of gleam in his eyes, spun you around.

You didn't care everyone was probably looking at the both of you – all that mattered was that you were happy  _he_  was happy.

And that was the moment you realized you loved Tsukishima Kei.


	3. A Day In The Life

You were surprised not to find your fiancé lying by your side. Could it be he had already gone to work? You sighed heavily – if he did, he didn't kiss you goodbye.  _Outrageous_ _,_   _Tsukishima_   _Kei_ _._

When you were about to get up, you took note of a grey-colored ball of fur curled around your feet. It was Shōhei, your silver-tabby-patterned maine coon cat, whom Kei had given you on your first year together.

You liked the thought that him and Kei had similar golden optics, with a fierce look on their eyes. Yet they could be clingy, too, both of them.

Seeing you awake, he quietly mewled in response. And so Issei appeared, Kei's airedale terrier dog.

"Good morning, you two."

And so you made your way our of the room – your stomach loudly grumbling – a sudden delicious scent of pancakes filling your nostrils.  
  
 _So_   _he_   _is_   _home_ _,_  you mused, happily skipping towards the kitchen.  
  
You then realized it was a sunday, meaning he had no work today.  _Good job, me._

The scene before you was simply. . heartwarming. Kei could be in boxers only, but he wore one of those adorable  _kiss_   _the_   _cook_  aprons. Fun fact: the apron was a gift from your soon-to-be brother-in-law, Akiteru.

Hearing your not so quiet footsteps, he pulled the frying pan away from the fire and looked back at you.

"Good morning, beautiful."

"Morning."

With Issei following you suit you hugged Kei from behind, mumbling how adorable he looked with that apron.

"That's not a very manly thing to say."

"Who even cares." You then stepped to his side, looking up at him. "You look so sleepy."

"That's me being a gentleman and getting something for my lady to eat." He set the frying pan aside, taking out the silverware and placing it besides a plate full of freshly made pancakes.

"I could've made it myself," you smiled sheepishly.

"Why ruin all the moment?" He chuckled. "Plus we all know you and cooking don't get along."

"Lies!" You dramatically flailed your arms in the air. "Look, it was a one-time thing."

"You almost set the house on fire."

"Accidents happen."

"You're accident-prone."

"Maybe a pyromaniac."

"You were making a toast!"

You stared at him in disbelief, playfully punched at his side and grabbed the plateful of pancakes. "While you discuss if I was indeed trying to set the house on fire or not, I'll have a wonderful breakfast made by you, my handsome fiancé."

You then suddenly stopped in your tracks.

"Perhaps if I bought you your strawberry shortcake, you would quit complaining?" You stuck your tongue out at him and skipped to the table.

He swore that even if women matured earlier than men and you were an year older than him, you would never give up of this childish and playful side of yours. You  _should_  never.

Kei let out a single short cough and followed you right behind, but not before giving a gentle pat on Issei's head.

He loved spending moments like those with you, especially on sunday mornings, when neither of you had to work.


	4. It's Gonna Rain

It was one of those days. Due to a national holiday, both of you had no work and were allowed to stay home.

You were currently on the couch brushing Issei's pelt, Shōhei peacefully resting by your side. Meanwhile, Kei was outside running on the treadmill. Even if he no longer played volleyball, he still had to stay in shape.

He had been running for a couple of minutes, you noted, until he suddenly held his hand to his chest and turned the machinery off.

He was panting heavily – which was pretty unusual, considering he had just started his exercise routine. His chest heaved up and down, sideglancing at you he seemed a little confused himself.

Issei had perked his ears, raising his head to look at his owner.

"What's wrong, Kei?" Your brows were furrowed, your anxious side caused you to start overthinking – thinking of the worst, even.

"I'm. . tired, that's all. I don't think. . I've eaten properly. . so that's why. . perhaps I lack energy."

"Can I get something for you?" You stood up, Issei had already jumped from your lap and was currently nudging Kei's foot.

"No, it's. . fine." His breath still remained heavy and short, his heartbeat accelerated.

You patted to the seat by your side, causing Shōhei to crawl to the couch's arm rest. Kei then sat down, only to be convinced to lie down and rest his head on your lap.

You gently ran your fingers through his golden locks, "Maybe you just need some rest."

His heavy breathing seemed to have calmed down, only to be replaced by a couple of coughing.

"I might've got the flu."

You nodded, planting a chaste kiss on the top of his head. "I think the two of us need to rest. The week's been really stressful."

"We should stay like this a little longer," he spat out, your fingers still playing with his hair locks.

"You're too good for me, Kei."

"You don't deserve someone as horrible and sarcastic as I am." He gave you a sheepish grin of his own, feeling Issei pawing at his back muscles.

You stopped for a moment and looked down at him. "I'm so glad I've fallen in love with you."

"I am, too."

And that's how the rest of your day went. You spend the entire day being lazy with Kei on the cough, discussing trivialities and Issei ever so often jumping on one of you.

And yet, you couldn't quite take that image off your head. .  _Kei_ _not_ _being_ _able_ _to_ _breath_ _properly_ _._

 _Was_ _shortness_ _of_ _breath_ _even_ _a_ _symptom_ _of_ _the_ _flu_ _?_ You would make sure to do some research later. But for now, you would just enjoy those little moments with your soon-to-be husband. Yeah. You liked the sound of that.

 _Oh_ _,_ _all_ _the_ _memories_ _you_ _would_ _share_ _. ._


	5. A Reason For The Suffering And This Long Misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

You weren't able to sleep for three days straight.

Ever since that "treadmill episode" Kei got even worse. He would cough, wheeze and even be at shortness of breath. You were worried, naturally, it was no "flu" or "cold" of any sort.

Just then you decided to take him to the doctor. . And according to an x-ray of his chest, it was revealed he had a small tumor on his lungs. Luckily, it was a benign nodule and not a cancerigenous one – it wasn't able to  _kill._

_"But what could've caused it?"_

_"Nodules like those are caused by bacterial infections, most of the times. Even the common flu, pneumonia and so on, can end up turning into a tumor or nodule years later."_

Turns out Kei's had pneumonia when he was a kid.

_"The procedure requires a minor surgery. It will result in small incisions and a short hospital stay."_

And so was it. Kei had a statement of sickness and were to spend days at home until the surgery day came by. As much as you hated the thought of leaving him alone, you still had to work – you were a journalist and part-time writer.

"You could always call Aki, y'know?" You suggested.

"You shouldn't have him worried. And it's not like I need any supervision. I'm good, really."

Coming to think of it, he didn't look weakened or hurt. Perhaps he was simply tired due to the medicine he had been taking to cease the symptoms.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded.

"If you need anything, just call me. I'll be back before you know it."

You crouched down to give him a kiss, until he turned his head. You gave him a kiss on the cheek instead.

"We don't need you sick, too."

You faked a gasp but stepped back anyways, playfully rolling your eyes.

"As I was saying – if you need anything, call me, send me a text, you know it. Issei and Shōhei will keep you company."

"All Shōhei ever does is sleep," Kei scoffed.

"But that doesn't mean you're alone." You grinned, looking down at your wrist watch. "I'm going now! Stay safe. Issei you protect Kei from the monsters lurking out there!" Issei didn't really understand what you meant but barked in response either way. "I love you!"

And with that you waved off at him and rushed to your workplace.

* * *

 Once you made it home, you spotted Kei cuddling with Issei on the couch, a drool stain could clearly be seen at the edge of his mouth.

You smiled cheekly at the scene before you, placing a small grocery bag on the kitchen counter. Sideglancing at Kei's sleeping figure, you took a small piece of paper from your purse and wrote down:  _"_ _By_ _the_ _time_ _you_ _see_ _this_ _– you must be tired! –_ _I'll_ _probably_ _be_ _already_ _sleeping_ _,_ _but_ _fear_ _not_ _._ _I_ _brought_ _you_ _a_ _little_ _something_ _._ _Good_ _night_ _, my dear. ( ˘ ³˘)♥"_

You placed the small note in front of the grocery bag, where he could clearly see for when he woke up.

You then proceeded your way to your room and gently closed the door behind you.

_Not like Kei_ _would_ _mind_ _or_ _anything_ _. ._ _You've_ _gone_ _through_ _those_ _a_ _lot_ _,_ _actually_ _._  . You tiptoed to Kei's wardrobe and, well,  _why_ _not_ _sleep_ _in_ _one_ _of_ _his_ _shirts for today?_

You reached for a grey shirt, an illustration of a marvelous crow stamped on – Kei had earned it as a gift from the 1st and 2nd years, back when him and the other 3rd years were retiring from the club. Have I mentioned he became Karasuno VBC's captain? But then again, that story was for another day.

You changed into Kei's – enormous! – comfortable shirt and sweatpants of your own, and atleast for a day, you allowed yourself to sleep on the right side of the bed – his side. You loved how his pillow smelled like a cologne of his you deeply loved.

_"I guess_ _he_ _wouldn't_ _mind_ _me_ _stealing_ _him_ _cologne_ _some_ _other_ _day_ _. ."_  You mumbled out loud, likely to no one in particular, and wrapped yourself with the blanket.

•   •   •

It was then, in the middle of the night, you suddenly woke up to arms being wrapped around your waist.

"Thank you for the treat. It was delicious." His voice sounded a little hoarse, even in a sleepy state, you noted.

You smiled, your eyes remained closed. "I'm. . glad." You unexpectedly let out a yawn, feeling Kei pulling you closer to his embrace.

"Good night, [Y/N]."

* * *

 And so the surgery day had come.

Even if the doctor reassured you there was not risk at all, you couldn't help but worry. You had anxiety; it was natural of you to overthink the minor of situations.

Your pace was accelerated – you swore that every nurse that passed by stared weirdly at you.  _Were_ _you_ _uncon_ _sciously_   _stomping_ _on_ _the_ _ground_ _?_  No matter. You were currently waiting for the doctor's news and all that – his hospital stay would be short, they guaranteed.

•   •   •

_"The_ _surgery_ _went_ _as_ _expected_ _._ _The_ _nodule_ _has been_ _succesfully_ _removed_ _and_ _in less_ _than_   _a_ _week_ _Tsukishima_ _might_ _be_ _able_ _to_ _go_ _home."_

You sighed in relief, finally feeling your tensed muscles relax.  _What was I thinking. . of course everything would go well._

* * *

 Two weeks had passed ever since Kei was free to go from the hospital. During the past few days you had been discussing wedding matters – the guest list, the decoration, even the song you would slowdance to. You suggested  _For_ _Your_ _Love_ by  _Hanson._

You couldn't be happier.

Kei was no longer sick and it seemed you had a promissing future before you. There was a possibility you could be transfered to work in the great city of Tokyo. Kei, too, had a few of friends there so he could easily contact a few and, perhaps, have a transference of his own. He was a civil engineer and the capital of Japan was a city full of oportunities.

Wait. Wasn't it a little selfish go to a new place with a job assured for you but not for your partner?  _Yeah_ _,_ _I_ _should_ _ask_ _him_ _about_ _it_ _later_ _._ _After_   _all_ _,_ _if_ _we_ _do_ _move_ _his_ _opinion_ _is essential. ._

And as for his routine, Kei was to stay home for a few more days. He no longer coughed or suffered from shortness of breath, but according to the doctor, he still needed to rest.

Until that, on a particular thursday evening, you came home from work to find Kei sitting on the table, a hand resting on his chin.

You dropped your belongings to the floor and skipped his way, "Hello! It's good to see you're awake!"

Before you could lean over and kiss him, he spoke up.

_"I coughed blood."_


	6. Haunted By The Memory Of A Lost Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a horrible person.

_"_ _I_   _coughed_   _blood_ _."_

Those three words still banged against your ears.

The wisest of choices would be to call a doctor, true, but you weren't thinking straight. An endless amount of  _what_   _if'_ s filled your mind.

_Sure_ _,_ _it_   _could_   _have_   _been_   _just_   _a_   _minor_   _setback_. . And yet, your realistic side assured you it was  _not_ _._

Perhaps his diagnosis was wrong and a surgery wouldn't really solve anything? What if he suffers from a rare disease? Did the doctors fail at some point?  _What_   _if_ _he–_

Your trembling legs could no longer keep you standing and so you fell to the floor. Your back was arched as you let out heavy exhales; you were slowly being consumed by an uncontrolable sobbing.

"How can you. . be so calm?"

Kei let out a humorless chuckle in response. "The truth is," he knelt down by your side, wrapping an arm around you. "I'm not."

You stood on your knees and fell to his arms, clutching at his attire.

_"_ _I_ _. ._ _fear_   _for_   _you_ _. ._ _Kei_ _."_

You mumbled in between long pauses to try and contain your sobbing, but to no avail.

"I must confess. Even if we have no idea what the fuck is going on with me. ." He tightly held onto you.  _"_ _I'm_   _actually_   _scared_ _."_

Your bottom lip quivered and you – gently – pushed him away from you, staring straight into his golden orbs. "Don't you dare say it like  _that_ _,_ Tsukishima Kei."

_"Sorry."_ He smiled sheepishly at you, squeezing your hand.

"Now I'll go call the doctor and inform him of. . whatever happened." You felt a lump forming in your throat. "You should settle down for now. Go lie in bed. . I'm joining you soon."

He shook his head affirmatively in response, you cupping his face and planting a chaste kiss on his lips.

Kei helped you up – considering the both of you had been kneeling this entire time – and, with the slightest hint of perhaps. .  _hurt_  in his eyes, he made his was to the bedroom.

As for yourself, your held onto the table for  _physical_ support and pulled your phone from your back pocket. You searched for the doctor's – Moshida, the pulmonologist who took care of Kei – number and proceeded to call him.

"Doctor Moshida?" By now you had already calmed down, wiping the few tears that remained on the corner of your eyes. "It's me, [L/N] [F/N], fiancee of your previous patient, Tsukishima Kei."

You took a heavy breath, your nails digging at the table's wood tiles.

_"This_   _afternoon_ _,_ _Kei_   _coughed_   _blood_ _._ _"_

* * *

The following day, the both of you found yourselves back at doctor Moshida's office, currently waiting for his veredict on the chest radiograph Kei had taken the previous evening.

"Ms. [L/N]. . Mr. Tsukishima. . When you informed me of the hemoptysis – a symptom of coughing up blood – I wasn't a little sure myself, trust me I  _hoped_  to be wrong. . But Tsukishima's radiograph allowed me to confirm the sad truth."

You tightly squeezed Kei's hand, unconsciously pressing your nails against his skin.

"Ms. [L/N] informed me you never smoked but she also told me you work as a civil engineer. . do you work amidst contruction sites or, perhaps, ever been to one?"

He nodded his head.

Doctor Moshida took the radiograph and pointed at a specific mark on the top side of his right lung. "This  _smu_ _dge_ right here is a pancoastal tumor. Turns out we benign nodule we had just removed came back as a cancerigenous tumor."

Your mind went blank. You noted Kei tried his best not to make this difficult for you. . and thus he remained emotionless.

"You mean. . he has lung cancer?"

"I'm afraid so. And as much as it pains me, it is my job to inform you all about Kei is going through." Moshida cleared his throat, a sympathetic smile on his face. "The problem about this tumor, as you can see, is that it's not located on the most accessible spot – it's close to vital structures such as nerves and the spine. As a result, it may difficult the surgery, thus making it really risky. I would recommend treatment with radiation and chemotherapy. But as for the surgery itself would consist of the removal of the upper lobe of a lung together with its associated structures. . The treatment of choice, of course, is yours to pick. And truthfully, my fear is that part of the sympathetic nervous system might be afected."

It was then Kei's turn to speak. "And what if it reaches the sympathetic nervous system?"

"If perchange it does, it may cause Horner's syndrome and possibly damage your brachial plexus."

"What is the survival rate after diagnosis?" Kei spoke up again.

As for yourself, you were shaking in fear. Tears freely ran down your face and you couldn't help but squeeze his hand even more.

"We have records of an afterlife of five years max."

And so you saw yourself losing all hope on everything you had planned. What would be of your future? . .  _Do_   _we_   _even_   _have_ _a_ _future_ _?_ Now that you thought about it, it almost sounded as if you were giving up on him. You never intended to sound like that. . you were just nervous.

And feared for Kei's uncertain future.

* * *

After Doctor Moshida's diagnosis, Kei was injected iced saline and vasopressin, to cease the symptoms of the hemoptysis. And so you headed to the bullet train.

On your way back home neither of you uttered a single word. The train wasn't crowded, to which you were very thankful for.

Your head rested on his shoulder and his arm was wrapped around you. You also shared earplugs, listening to the indie fanmixes you used to make for one another. And in a moment like that, the two of you felt as though no words needed to be spoken. What you were thinking, what you were feeling. . was mutual.

And the silence was testimony of that.

* * *

Upon arriving at your apartment, you hushed Kei to the bedroon, stating he needed to rest.

And unexpectedly, he snapped at you.

"Is that how you want me to spend the rest of my days!? Having hours of sleep only to sleep even more at the end of the day? Look, we both know this is difficult – myself, of all people, mainly! You heard Doctor Moshida. So what if I survive a year? The afterlife's five years at max."

Your petite frame trembled under his enormous menacing figure. Kei had never yelled at you before. . And that was your fear. Angry men trully scared you. . Irrational or not, you couldn't help but cower like a pup that just got yelled at.

"As much as I want it to pass, there's no solving it. What if the chemotherapy doesn't work? We all know the surgery's risky! But what if it works? I'll get a few more years, that's all."

_What_   _are_   _you_   _trying_   _to_   _achieve_ _,_ _Kei_ _?_

"Don't try to deny the fact I'm dying."

His voice toned down to a calm and soft whisper. Looking at your trembling figure, he wrapped his arms around you.

You unconsciously flinched in his embrace.

"[Y/N]. I need you to understand. . You make me go insane. Where would I be if you weren't by my side? Better yet,  _who_ would I be? . .I can't help but feel as I did, seven years ago. Figures."

With your eyes staring at the ground, slowly at a time calming yourself down, you asked him. "And how do you feel?"

"Madly in love with you. And it really hurts me to think I'll be leaving you so soon. .  _I'm_   _scared_ _, [_ _Y_ _/_ _N_ _]._ I'm scared of being far away from you. Scared of leaving you behind. . all by yourself."

"You say it as if you were ready to leave. . and accept the fact you're. .  _gone_ _."_ You simply despised the word  _dead_  in that occasion. And I mean, who wouldn't?

"I'm simply trying to acknowledge the inevitable end to all of us. Mine just so happens to be near."

He weakly smiled down at you, kissing the top of your head.

"I think we should go for the chemo. I don't want to risk anything with a dangerous surgery like that. ."

You nodded furiously, snaking your arms around his waist.

"Come on, let's get you a hot and nice cup of tea."

_Kei_ _,_ _you're_   _too_   _good_   _for_   _me_ _. ._

•   •   •

"I think we can afford it but. . we'll have to cut a lot of expenses. I could ask mom for some help, though."

Kei looked at you, Shōhei resting on his lap, and mumbled. "You shouldn't put your mother into this. . she has nothing to do with my chemotherapy."

"You're her in-law!"

"Oh, so it is expected of everyone to pity me because I'm dying?"

With your notebook in hands, you jumped off the bed. "Look, if we're going to spend the entire week arguimg, why don't we take a week off or something? I have to check on the money for you treatment and all. . and you could just. . do your thing."

It pained you to try and set him aside, but you felt as though the stress was getting the best of you. . A little break wouldn't really hurt anyone, would it?

•   •   •

"I'm so glad you're here for him, dear."

Miki – Kei's mother – had just arrived, surprising you with a hug. How much you adored his mom. . You hugged her back, a mutual feeling of fear and insecurity rushing over you.

"He's in the bedroom and he didn't know you would come so. . surprise him." You grinned from ear to ear, showing Miki the way to the room the both of you shared.

Kei had his back facing the door, Shōhei currently (and adorably) sleeping on top of his head.

"Kei,  _honey_. . ?"

And so you excused yourself. You didn't want to ruin their mother and son moment. . You despised the thought of leaving Kei behind, but Miki was with him. . You simply needed some fresh air. 

_I need some time alone to think things through._


End file.
